Self reflection

I stated recently that one of my next posts would include steps towards my own self-help. What I need, what I want, what my desires and dreams are, things that make me happy, etc.

The sad part is, I don’t have the answer to any of these. I have spent 25 years trying to bring happiness to my husband that I don’t know what I need or enjoy. And I don’t say this in a bad way. My husband is my best friend. He has never abused me or treated me wrongly in any way. Quite the opposite, he treated me like a queen for awhile and now he still does things to make sure that I am happy.

According to my husband, everything he does is to make sure ‘I am happy’. In turn, he has lost insight into what makes him happy. But what he doesn’t realize is, I try everyday to find things to help him in any way possible with his depression, with finding jobs, with keeping him busy because he cannot sit still. It is endless and exhausting. So him trying to make me happy and me trying to make him happy, has lead both of us towards not knowing who we are inside.

Seven years ago, I started schooling for my Bachelor’s degree. Six years ago, we left the East coast and moved to the West. Three years ago, I finished my Bachelor’s degree. Why am I sharing this information? Because during these past seven years, I wanted to make changes for myself.

Prior to our move, I didn’t have many friends. It wasn’t because people didn’t like me. It was because I choose to stay home and hang out with my best friend – my husband, rather than going out. Why did I do this? Quilt. Pressure. Anxiety. There were many reasons. When we decided to move, I explained to my husband that I wanted and needed to make friends. I wanted to be social. I wanted to do something for me.

My husband is a screaming introvert. When he is around people, he is talkative and loved by everyone. But it is all very draining for him. I’m the opposite. I like being around friends and family.

As soon as we got settled into our new town, I started meeting people through a running group. One, I don’t run. Two, my arthritis hates me so I have good days and bad days with exercise. I didn’t let this stop me from at least trying. Here I am, six years later and I still have the same friends I met that day, plus some.

So now the question is, did making friends fulfill a ‘want’ on my list? I don’t know. Now that time has gone by, my friends know how much my husband and I battle his depression on a daily basis. Some of them can relate. All of them are supportive. The downside is, I am not the type to put burden on anyone else, so I don’t open up…which causes me to step backwards and fade away back into a life of talking to no one.

I feel as if I have simply made a full circle back into the old me. I don’t know what I want, what I need, or what my dreams and desires are. Sadly, I don’t know how to move forward.

Please, don’t get me wrong. I am generally a happy person. I don’t sit on dwelling the negative aspects of life. I am very optimistic and realistic. My down days are not a deep depressive state and I am thankful for this. But I do allow myself to be selfish once in awhile and wonder how I can change.

One response to “Self reflection”

  1. Maybe opening up to friends wouldn’t feel like a burden to them—it might even make them feel comfortable opening up to you about their own stuff.


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